Thursday, 24 June 2010

It's Been So Long.

I know I have not blogged in over a month, I'M SO SORRY! I do get super busy and I just don't get enough time for you beauties.
First things first, my diets been going well I eat breakfast... well probably once a week I eat breakfast lol, I have water, juice, drinks etc during the day and then maybe hot chocolate, green tea or fruit tea when i get home from school.

And the odd Kelloggs cereal bar if I'm seriously starving.

It's so hard when i'm dancing so vigorously during the day but sometimes I don't even notice I'm starving. And when I'm working out I don't want food! FOOD IS THE DEVIL. I like it when i'm empty. Don't worry, I know I have a problem.


I've missed you beauties, can't believe I stayed away for so long. I'm trying to be as frequent as my timetable allows me :)

Ribcages and Hip bones. Stay Strong Beauties. xoxo

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Compliments Mean NOTHING.

My friend... let's call him H. My friend H (who by the way is EXTREMELY hot) said I had the best figure in the year today. Now that's something I should be happy with right? But, I'm not. It's not good enough! EVERYONE has to think it for me to be satisfied! One down only about 69 to go. I know I'm being totally dramatic about this but, I'm not satisfied.

I've also had a really bad encounter with the boy I'm seeing, well WAS seeing. And now I'm focusing on getting over him except, every now and again I say "go on Laz, eat the doughnut, for what you've been through this week, you deserve it" NO! I DON'T! If i want things to go to plan, I have to get skinny and HOT, so that he comes crawling back begging for me!

I haven't been on the scales lately, I'm too scared.

OMG! Big News! My friend confessed to us that she was bulimic and that she occasionally has relapses. HA! I know a bulimic when I see one and she is not one! I don't want to sound mean but speaking from experience, and this friend does seek attention all the time, so she's a bit like the boy who cried wolf, I've just stopped believing her now. Maybe she's done it once or twice and thought now she's officially one. Try doing it for 3 years, doesn't get tiring.

There's been so many times when I thought, what are you doing? You're absolutely fine the way you are. But then I don't feel fine, I'm never happy something is always going to be wrong with me and I will die still trying to be perfect. And the funny thing is... I think I'm okay with that.

BONES, BONES and more BONES. Stay strong my beauties xoxo

Monday, 26 April 2010

Back to my old ways.

I've started purging again, which I should be shameful doing however, I just did it and I feel so much better after it. Although I know if I just didn't eat I wouldn't have to in the first place.

I got told I was heavy today... to put it in to context "You're actually quite heavy, I didn't expect that, maybe it's your muscle, you do have terrific muscles for a dancer."

I know muscle weighs more than fat, but once I heard it i blocked out anything that was even remotely a compliment...Heavy...that's all I heard. I purged as soon as I got home, thing is I've been working out so much lately and been keeping my in take low, surely something's paying off.

I need a fast! My parents are going away soon so I don't have to sit down and eat any meals, just gotta get skinny. GET SKINNY.

I'm so depressed now, it overlooks all the skinny compliments I've been getting lately, for someone to call me heavy. I want to be LIGHT AS A FEATHER. I'm a dancer! Sure we're meant to have muscles but muscles like ballerinas, they're tiny, and me... I'M HEAVY.

I don't know what to do with myself, think I'm going to do some exercise, Heavy my ass. I won't be heavy soon, you just watch!

You're my inspiration, keep going my beauties. xoxo

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Abbey Lee Kershaw

Today was such a workout! I loved every minute of it! Firstly I had an english trip to John Keats house (a poet) in the morning, easilyyyyyyy didn't have to eat anything, however I did get a skinny latte from starbucks AH! but I burned it off later because...

I got back to school, missed lunch break so went straight to jazz! It was such a workout lesson! To a point where I was so dehydrated I stopped sweating, my mouth was seriously dry and I was trembling continuously, it sounds bad but that just means it's working!

Next I went and met my mum to do some shopping, therefore no eating just new clothes! From there I went straight to my modern theatre dance class, sweated it out there, came home and here I am, talking about how today was such a success. 1x skinny latte which I've obviously burnt off by now. Bring on tomorrow!

Is it bad that I'm craving cigarettes though?

Abbey Lee Kershaw is below, apart from being amazingly STUNNING, she's got such a hot body. In Alexander McQueen's (RIP) spring/summer '09 show she fainted because the corset was so tight! (3rd picture down) however just look at her collar bones in that picture ahhh! jealous jealous jealous, BONES, BONES, BONES! I hate myself for not looking like that, it should be natural! DAMN IT.

There's that song... "Wants to look like a star but she takes it too far, She's never good enough.
Want to be Mary-Kate perfect weight 88, she's never good enough"

Sometimes that's what gets me through the day, I have thinspo videos and pictures on my iPod, I never let my friends go through it.

Stay strong my beauties xoxox

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Natasha Poly

Ah, Natasha Poly. I'd kill for a body and cheek bones like hers. It's a shame I had mcdonalds today then isn't it? I went and knelt in front of the toilet as well, and I just couldn't bring myself to bring it all up again. I know I haven't done it in a while so, I think I'm nervous, cause once I start again, everything i eat, I put back down the toilet and just make myself ill. But I want to be skinny!!!! ALL I WANT IS BONES BONES BONES!

I told one of my friends about my eating disorder today, just as she confessed she tried making herself throw up. I told her it's in the past though, so she doesn't know I have it now. It's not long until she finds out though i bet, she'll start to notice I don't eat at lunch and I feel faint in dance class and so on. I think it was a mistake.

Can anyone give me some tips on resisting a binge, cause there's so much going on that makes me want to eat everything in the cupboards and I just want to be able to resist it all! I'm not having a good day.

Please be stronger than me my beauties. xoxo

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Bones. Bones. Bones.

Everything's worth it if in the end if i look like Jessica Stam, or even skinnier. I'd walk around naked, however I can't in my current state.

Back to school tomorrow, I'm actually excited because that way I'm always occupied and whenever I get home I never eat dinner anyway so... I can fast all week really. Slight problem though, I have ballet first thing tomorrow, I normally get by without eating breakfast before ballet but I know the lesson's going to be energetic. Oh well, I do often get a thrill from feeling weak, it means it's working. And i'll just drink loads of water to stop being dehydrated.

Anyone in the U.K.? I really need a texting buddy, just so in my times of weakness, I can also have some motivation. A trick I tried is carrying a picture of Karlie Kloss in my purse, so when I open it to get money out for food, I see her skinny figure and i put my purse away. It really works, try it!

I was at work today and the shop was so busy I didn't have time for a lunch break! So happy! I could fast so easily, and when I got home I told my mum I had a late lunch so I didn't have to sit down to dinner. Everything is going to plan! 2 days with just diet coke! It's a shame it sometimes makes me bloated.

Also GOOD NEWS, that boy I was telling you about, who suddenly has a new girlfriend? Well, he's single again now! I'm glad it didn't work out, and if he thinks he can come running back to me well he's got another thing coming. :D Wow i've been quite strong about things lately.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels my beauties, Bones. Bones. Bones. xoxo

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Freja Beha Erichsen

So far, so good today. I sat and watched my sister endulge in KFC and my mum in mcdonalds. I sat with a diet coke, quite disgusted to be completely honest. I'm glad.

And I went to the ballet today! Oh my gosh, they were all so beautiful on pointe, with their long skinny limbs and gracefullness (if that's a word?) I came home and put my pointe shoes on right away, I get like that sometimes.

So Freja Beha is below, another one of my favourite models, purely because she's stunning and her figure amazes me. She's simply amazing. Can't write for long, but I'll be back later for sure, enjoy the thinspo :D

Take care my beauties. xoxo