Thursday, 24 June 2010

It's Been So Long.

I know I have not blogged in over a month, I'M SO SORRY! I do get super busy and I just don't get enough time for you beauties.
First things first, my diets been going well I eat breakfast... well probably once a week I eat breakfast lol, I have water, juice, drinks etc during the day and then maybe hot chocolate, green tea or fruit tea when i get home from school.

And the odd Kelloggs cereal bar if I'm seriously starving.

It's so hard when i'm dancing so vigorously during the day but sometimes I don't even notice I'm starving. And when I'm working out I don't want food! FOOD IS THE DEVIL. I like it when i'm empty. Don't worry, I know I have a problem.


I've missed you beauties, can't believe I stayed away for so long. I'm trying to be as frequent as my timetable allows me :)

Ribcages and Hip bones. Stay Strong Beauties. xoxo

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Compliments Mean NOTHING.

My friend... let's call him H. My friend H (who by the way is EXTREMELY hot) said I had the best figure in the year today. Now that's something I should be happy with right? But, I'm not. It's not good enough! EVERYONE has to think it for me to be satisfied! One down only about 69 to go. I know I'm being totally dramatic about this but, I'm not satisfied.

I've also had a really bad encounter with the boy I'm seeing, well WAS seeing. And now I'm focusing on getting over him except, every now and again I say "go on Laz, eat the doughnut, for what you've been through this week, you deserve it" NO! I DON'T! If i want things to go to plan, I have to get skinny and HOT, so that he comes crawling back begging for me!

I haven't been on the scales lately, I'm too scared.

OMG! Big News! My friend confessed to us that she was bulimic and that she occasionally has relapses. HA! I know a bulimic when I see one and she is not one! I don't want to sound mean but speaking from experience, and this friend does seek attention all the time, so she's a bit like the boy who cried wolf, I've just stopped believing her now. Maybe she's done it once or twice and thought now she's officially one. Try doing it for 3 years, doesn't get tiring.

There's been so many times when I thought, what are you doing? You're absolutely fine the way you are. But then I don't feel fine, I'm never happy something is always going to be wrong with me and I will die still trying to be perfect. And the funny thing is... I think I'm okay with that.

BONES, BONES and more BONES. Stay strong my beauties xoxo

Monday, 26 April 2010

Back to my old ways.

I've started purging again, which I should be shameful doing however, I just did it and I feel so much better after it. Although I know if I just didn't eat I wouldn't have to in the first place.

I got told I was heavy today... to put it in to context "You're actually quite heavy, I didn't expect that, maybe it's your muscle, you do have terrific muscles for a dancer."

I know muscle weighs more than fat, but once I heard it i blocked out anything that was even remotely a compliment...Heavy...that's all I heard. I purged as soon as I got home, thing is I've been working out so much lately and been keeping my in take low, surely something's paying off.

I need a fast! My parents are going away soon so I don't have to sit down and eat any meals, just gotta get skinny. GET SKINNY.

I'm so depressed now, it overlooks all the skinny compliments I've been getting lately, for someone to call me heavy. I want to be LIGHT AS A FEATHER. I'm a dancer! Sure we're meant to have muscles but muscles like ballerinas, they're tiny, and me... I'M HEAVY.

I don't know what to do with myself, think I'm going to do some exercise, Heavy my ass. I won't be heavy soon, you just watch!

You're my inspiration, keep going my beauties. xoxo

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Abbey Lee Kershaw

Today was such a workout! I loved every minute of it! Firstly I had an english trip to John Keats house (a poet) in the morning, easilyyyyyyy didn't have to eat anything, however I did get a skinny latte from starbucks AH! but I burned it off later because...

I got back to school, missed lunch break so went straight to jazz! It was such a workout lesson! To a point where I was so dehydrated I stopped sweating, my mouth was seriously dry and I was trembling continuously, it sounds bad but that just means it's working!

Next I went and met my mum to do some shopping, therefore no eating just new clothes! From there I went straight to my modern theatre dance class, sweated it out there, came home and here I am, talking about how today was such a success. 1x skinny latte which I've obviously burnt off by now. Bring on tomorrow!

Is it bad that I'm craving cigarettes though?

Abbey Lee Kershaw is below, apart from being amazingly STUNNING, she's got such a hot body. In Alexander McQueen's (RIP) spring/summer '09 show she fainted because the corset was so tight! (3rd picture down) however just look at her collar bones in that picture ahhh! jealous jealous jealous, BONES, BONES, BONES! I hate myself for not looking like that, it should be natural! DAMN IT.

There's that song... "Wants to look like a star but she takes it too far, She's never good enough.
Want to be Mary-Kate perfect weight 88, she's never good enough"

Sometimes that's what gets me through the day, I have thinspo videos and pictures on my iPod, I never let my friends go through it.

Stay strong my beauties xoxox

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Natasha Poly

Ah, Natasha Poly. I'd kill for a body and cheek bones like hers. It's a shame I had mcdonalds today then isn't it? I went and knelt in front of the toilet as well, and I just couldn't bring myself to bring it all up again. I know I haven't done it in a while so, I think I'm nervous, cause once I start again, everything i eat, I put back down the toilet and just make myself ill. But I want to be skinny!!!! ALL I WANT IS BONES BONES BONES!

I told one of my friends about my eating disorder today, just as she confessed she tried making herself throw up. I told her it's in the past though, so she doesn't know I have it now. It's not long until she finds out though i bet, she'll start to notice I don't eat at lunch and I feel faint in dance class and so on. I think it was a mistake.

Can anyone give me some tips on resisting a binge, cause there's so much going on that makes me want to eat everything in the cupboards and I just want to be able to resist it all! I'm not having a good day.

Please be stronger than me my beauties. xoxo

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Bones. Bones. Bones.

Everything's worth it if in the end if i look like Jessica Stam, or even skinnier. I'd walk around naked, however I can't in my current state.

Back to school tomorrow, I'm actually excited because that way I'm always occupied and whenever I get home I never eat dinner anyway so... I can fast all week really. Slight problem though, I have ballet first thing tomorrow, I normally get by without eating breakfast before ballet but I know the lesson's going to be energetic. Oh well, I do often get a thrill from feeling weak, it means it's working. And i'll just drink loads of water to stop being dehydrated.

Anyone in the U.K.? I really need a texting buddy, just so in my times of weakness, I can also have some motivation. A trick I tried is carrying a picture of Karlie Kloss in my purse, so when I open it to get money out for food, I see her skinny figure and i put my purse away. It really works, try it!

I was at work today and the shop was so busy I didn't have time for a lunch break! So happy! I could fast so easily, and when I got home I told my mum I had a late lunch so I didn't have to sit down to dinner. Everything is going to plan! 2 days with just diet coke! It's a shame it sometimes makes me bloated.

Also GOOD NEWS, that boy I was telling you about, who suddenly has a new girlfriend? Well, he's single again now! I'm glad it didn't work out, and if he thinks he can come running back to me well he's got another thing coming. :D Wow i've been quite strong about things lately.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels my beauties, Bones. Bones. Bones. xoxo

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Freja Beha Erichsen

So far, so good today. I sat and watched my sister endulge in KFC and my mum in mcdonalds. I sat with a diet coke, quite disgusted to be completely honest. I'm glad.

And I went to the ballet today! Oh my gosh, they were all so beautiful on pointe, with their long skinny limbs and gracefullness (if that's a word?) I came home and put my pointe shoes on right away, I get like that sometimes.

So Freja Beha is below, another one of my favourite models, purely because she's stunning and her figure amazes me. She's simply amazing. Can't write for long, but I'll be back later for sure, enjoy the thinspo :D

Take care my beauties. xoxo

Friday, 9 April 2010

Worst day ever!!

I'm actually fuming! I'm boiling inside and hurting at the same time, It's unbelievable what I'm about to tell you.
So the boy I've been seeing right, HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! I thought you were seeing me prick! Ahhh, and the thing is my friends thought he was a dickhead in the first place but I always said when he's with me it's different and whenever i'm with him everything else just doesn't exist, i thought it was going somewhere and now, NOW! Urgh! He makes me sickkk, but It hurts so much at the same time!

AND, when i heard the news I texted him to ask him and he didn't reply, which made me even more angry and I binged. That's what it drove me to, I binged so so much and now I feel like a fat cow. I'm fat, I'm single, I can't control myself. I haven't felt this self pitying in a while.

I know that I shouldn't have binged, that was in the moment, but NOW. I'm ready, I'm gonna get so skinny and so hot and just shove it in his face, I'm so determined now. Fast tomorrow, I'm gonna fast until I physically have no energy to get out of bed, whatever it takes, I'm going to show him what he's missing.

Sorry to totally spring this angry side of me on you guys, I just thought he was different... Thinspo?

Let's do this together my beauties. xoxo

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Meh, Today was okay.

Been drinking a lot of water, and currently watching 'Center Stage' one of my most favourite films and GREAT thinspiration. I really want to just be at my skinniest now, its getting out of hand lol, i just can't wait, is that being a bit spoilt? like expecting it to just come to me?

So I'm seeing this boy, his name is... well let's call him D. well just wanted to say that his ex girlfriend is absolutely stunning and I don't really live up to it so I'm hoping my body is hotter, I am taller, and i think that helps, whether or not i look good in a bikini or something is doubtful so, i need to get skinny, pronto! Help me please! I want to look as good in a baggy jumper as Hanne Gaby Odiele does below... we all know it's that baggy because she's so tiny. JEALOUS MUCH?

By the way, when was the last time I had dinner? Brilliant.
Stay strong beauties, We're doing it. xoxo

Wednesday, 7 April 2010


New Kurt Geiger Heels!!!!!
I'm a lover a really high heels, like really high, so when i got these i died! Totally kill after about 4 hours but it's all worth it.

I think i'm used to it now, mainly because what i'm about to tell you might make you think i'm already where i want to be but in reality i'm nowhere near... so i model sometimes, not majorly like edita vilkeviciute or lily donaldson or someone but the occasional thing here and there sometimes. I actually had an american apparel casting 2 weeks ago, haven't heard back yet so probably didn't get it ha! My most proudest moment was when i walked london fashion week, i don't want to be big headed right now or anything i just really want to tell you! But yeah, So that's why i'm used to high heels. Ha that was a long explanation.

I'm more of a dancer anyway.

Stay strong my beauties. xoxo

Edita Vilkeviciute

I've neglected this blog for so long! I'm soooo sorry, I've been so so busy and still am! I'm still on my quest to be major skinny, and just to keep myself and you guys going I thought I'd do a post on my favourite model... Edita Vilkeviciute.
Words can't explain how much I love this woman, and her photos and whenever I watch her on FTv on the runway I just want to be her.
I'm thinking of doing a different model every other day, next is Freja Beha... I could talk about her all day long to. You'll probably see the likes of: Abbey Lee Kershaw, Hanne Gabi Odiele, Karlie Kloss, Natasha Poly etc down the line. I'm quite excited to share my photos with you :D

Going on to me, I've had a rough few weeks, up and down but still with a goal in mind, easter didn't bring me too much chocolate and fatty food thank god! And i've got a few compliments lately... "you're so skinny!" and "i want your figure!" SUCCESS. But i'm not stopping now, hell no! This is just the beginning...

Thursday, 18 February 2010

It's taking it's toll.

I'm hardly blogging I know, sorry! I'm constantly tired, I think my anaemia is coming back. Or did it ever really go? Well, i'm tired all the time and I don't eat enough iron to be off my tablets so I think I may need a trip to the doctor soon.

Except, I can't go, I'll just get found out. There are so many things wrong with me, constant cold, lack of energy, occasional hair malting... not nice, hot flashes? what's going on with me! I believe it's worth it, i do, i just want all these things to go away, NOW!

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Busy. Busy. Busy.

First of all I have to apologise for not blogging for over a week, I've been super super busy with school and work and LIFE! And feeling totally fat!

It hasn't been the best week, since my diet, it was going so well but I just gave in at times and consumed the most disgusting amounts of food. Why? WHO THE HELL KNOWS!!! But I'm back on track for now, I still haven't bought an outfit for the Brit Awards, so hopefully by the time I do, I'll be skinny enough to make people go WOW.

I especially want to impress this boy I like at school, I have some competition but the other girl who likes him is... to be honest... short and plump. Whereas I'm probably 4 inches taller and how should i word this... not as plump. Hopefully, he chooses me, but who's to know. We get on so well! I don't see why we aren't together yet! Ha... tad bit optimistic?

But anyway, do you remember I mentioned my friend Jay in like my first blog? Well she went to a party the other day and her pictures are up on facebook. HOLY COW she's soooo skinny! I'm so so so jealous! It makes me want to puke up every single tiny crumb I eat, that's how depressing it is to look at how tiny she is. Don't get me wrong, she's great thinspo, since I see her nearly everyday but she just reminds me of how fat I am.

I hope you guys are feeling better than I am...

Thursday, 28 January 2010


2x kellogg bar - 88 cals each.
Water about 7 glasses and a 500ml bottle.
2x chewing gum

So far, so good.
I'm getting ill though, bad throat, blocked nose and all. My immune system totally picked the wrong time!
They're not eating any cheeseburgers, why should you?

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Group Diet. Updates!

Yes Please.
So I'm thinking, have a group fast however if you can't do it, maximum of 500 calories per day? Trust me, snacking on low cal foods will soon fill you up, and we don't want to feel full, at all.
Keep this up until Saturday, so for latecomers who wanna join totally go for it! Keep updating as you go, it'll be a real help to me and others hopefully.
Tell me your thoughts! And feel free to add some more rules or whatever to the diet, it's a group thing :D
Hungry? Few Food Tips:
Hard boiled egg - 12 cals
One slice of brown bread - 28 cals (though i'd stay AWAY from the carbs)
Strawberries 28g - 7 cals
Rice Cakes 10g - 38 cals
Broccoli 30g - 7 cals
Celery 40g - 2 cals
Cup of coffee - 15.4 cals
Feel free to add to this list as well :D
Keep strong girlies, let's totally do this!

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Size 6 (US 2)

Sorry it's been some time since I blogged, been super super busy!
But to update, I'm going to the BRIT awards soon :D and I need a new dress/outfit. I am praying so hard, that someone up there has been good to me and allowed me to lose enough weight to fit into a size 6. I mean i tend to, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I don't want that to occur! I need to look super hot, otherwise I'm just gonna be an average joe amongst other average joe's. No thank you.

I think that's part of my eating disorder, I know I have one, (is it weird to think about the fact that I have one?) I'm not perfect, but I want to be, most people will say it's unachievable but I'm gonna damn well try. The thing is, it's not like no one see's me, I'm normal with amazing friends and I go to an amazing school it's just I've had this for 2 years and I've been pretty content just working towards my goal. There is no better feeling than when someone says to you "Have you lost weight?" or "You're so skinny!" or "I wish I had your figure" I live to hear those words and they just spur me on!

But moving on, I'm going shopping on saturday to find an outfit and fingers crossed I fit! I will literally, not go if I don't get the size 6. I'll come back and blog as soon as I know, I may need your support if it doesn't go well.

So guys, group diet? I think it might work since competitiveness always works! I'm not saying bad competitiveness, I mean good competitiveness lol. So we'll put together a strict diet and all do it. That way, when you go to toast that piece of bread and spread it with thick fatty butter you'll think twice, as when you get on the blogs, you'll see that others have made it through the day and are losing their pounds while you're piling them on. That will be the worst feeling. I think it may work...
Something to keep you going?

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Got2bedancin247 SAVED MY DAY!

2 words. Chewing Gum.
She'll know what I mean :D

I'm so happy right now, it was a good day, no purging, no binging, no fatty foods, no food at all actually just... chewing gum. No well actually that's a lie, I ate a rice cake. But apart from that, nothing! I just want to say, I know I've only got 8 followers at the moment but you guys have really helped already, I'm so glad you're here to talk to and I really hope we do this together cause it's not like I can talk to my friends here about it, I really just love having people I can talk to, people who relate to me, motivation is the key, so here's some for you :D