Monday, 26 April 2010

Back to my old ways.

I've started purging again, which I should be shameful doing however, I just did it and I feel so much better after it. Although I know if I just didn't eat I wouldn't have to in the first place.

I got told I was heavy today... to put it in to context "You're actually quite heavy, I didn't expect that, maybe it's your muscle, you do have terrific muscles for a dancer."

I know muscle weighs more than fat, but once I heard it i blocked out anything that was even remotely a compliment...Heavy...that's all I heard. I purged as soon as I got home, thing is I've been working out so much lately and been keeping my in take low, surely something's paying off.

I need a fast! My parents are going away soon so I don't have to sit down and eat any meals, just gotta get skinny. GET SKINNY.

I'm so depressed now, it overlooks all the skinny compliments I've been getting lately, for someone to call me heavy. I want to be LIGHT AS A FEATHER. I'm a dancer! Sure we're meant to have muscles but muscles like ballerinas, they're tiny, and me... I'M HEAVY.

I don't know what to do with myself, think I'm going to do some exercise, Heavy my ass. I won't be heavy soon, you just watch!

You're my inspiration, keep going my beauties. xoxo

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Abbey Lee Kershaw

Today was such a workout! I loved every minute of it! Firstly I had an english trip to John Keats house (a poet) in the morning, easilyyyyyyy didn't have to eat anything, however I did get a skinny latte from starbucks AH! but I burned it off later because...

I got back to school, missed lunch break so went straight to jazz! It was such a workout lesson! To a point where I was so dehydrated I stopped sweating, my mouth was seriously dry and I was trembling continuously, it sounds bad but that just means it's working!

Next I went and met my mum to do some shopping, therefore no eating just new clothes! From there I went straight to my modern theatre dance class, sweated it out there, came home and here I am, talking about how today was such a success. 1x skinny latte which I've obviously burnt off by now. Bring on tomorrow!

Is it bad that I'm craving cigarettes though?

Abbey Lee Kershaw is below, apart from being amazingly STUNNING, she's got such a hot body. In Alexander McQueen's (RIP) spring/summer '09 show she fainted because the corset was so tight! (3rd picture down) however just look at her collar bones in that picture ahhh! jealous jealous jealous, BONES, BONES, BONES! I hate myself for not looking like that, it should be natural! DAMN IT.

There's that song... "Wants to look like a star but she takes it too far, She's never good enough.
Want to be Mary-Kate perfect weight 88, she's never good enough"

Sometimes that's what gets me through the day, I have thinspo videos and pictures on my iPod, I never let my friends go through it.

Stay strong my beauties xoxox

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Natasha Poly

Ah, Natasha Poly. I'd kill for a body and cheek bones like hers. It's a shame I had mcdonalds today then isn't it? I went and knelt in front of the toilet as well, and I just couldn't bring myself to bring it all up again. I know I haven't done it in a while so, I think I'm nervous, cause once I start again, everything i eat, I put back down the toilet and just make myself ill. But I want to be skinny!!!! ALL I WANT IS BONES BONES BONES!

I told one of my friends about my eating disorder today, just as she confessed she tried making herself throw up. I told her it's in the past though, so she doesn't know I have it now. It's not long until she finds out though i bet, she'll start to notice I don't eat at lunch and I feel faint in dance class and so on. I think it was a mistake.

Can anyone give me some tips on resisting a binge, cause there's so much going on that makes me want to eat everything in the cupboards and I just want to be able to resist it all! I'm not having a good day.

Please be stronger than me my beauties. xoxo

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Bones. Bones. Bones.

Everything's worth it if in the end if i look like Jessica Stam, or even skinnier. I'd walk around naked, however I can't in my current state.

Back to school tomorrow, I'm actually excited because that way I'm always occupied and whenever I get home I never eat dinner anyway so... I can fast all week really. Slight problem though, I have ballet first thing tomorrow, I normally get by without eating breakfast before ballet but I know the lesson's going to be energetic. Oh well, I do often get a thrill from feeling weak, it means it's working. And i'll just drink loads of water to stop being dehydrated.

Anyone in the U.K.? I really need a texting buddy, just so in my times of weakness, I can also have some motivation. A trick I tried is carrying a picture of Karlie Kloss in my purse, so when I open it to get money out for food, I see her skinny figure and i put my purse away. It really works, try it!

I was at work today and the shop was so busy I didn't have time for a lunch break! So happy! I could fast so easily, and when I got home I told my mum I had a late lunch so I didn't have to sit down to dinner. Everything is going to plan! 2 days with just diet coke! It's a shame it sometimes makes me bloated.

Also GOOD NEWS, that boy I was telling you about, who suddenly has a new girlfriend? Well, he's single again now! I'm glad it didn't work out, and if he thinks he can come running back to me well he's got another thing coming. :D Wow i've been quite strong about things lately.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels my beauties, Bones. Bones. Bones. xoxo

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Freja Beha Erichsen

So far, so good today. I sat and watched my sister endulge in KFC and my mum in mcdonalds. I sat with a diet coke, quite disgusted to be completely honest. I'm glad.

And I went to the ballet today! Oh my gosh, they were all so beautiful on pointe, with their long skinny limbs and gracefullness (if that's a word?) I came home and put my pointe shoes on right away, I get like that sometimes.

So Freja Beha is below, another one of my favourite models, purely because she's stunning and her figure amazes me. She's simply amazing. Can't write for long, but I'll be back later for sure, enjoy the thinspo :D

Take care my beauties. xoxo

Friday, 9 April 2010

Worst day ever!!

I'm actually fuming! I'm boiling inside and hurting at the same time, It's unbelievable what I'm about to tell you.
So the boy I've been seeing right, HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! I thought you were seeing me prick! Ahhh, and the thing is my friends thought he was a dickhead in the first place but I always said when he's with me it's different and whenever i'm with him everything else just doesn't exist, i thought it was going somewhere and now, NOW! Urgh! He makes me sickkk, but It hurts so much at the same time!

AND, when i heard the news I texted him to ask him and he didn't reply, which made me even more angry and I binged. That's what it drove me to, I binged so so much and now I feel like a fat cow. I'm fat, I'm single, I can't control myself. I haven't felt this self pitying in a while.

I know that I shouldn't have binged, that was in the moment, but NOW. I'm ready, I'm gonna get so skinny and so hot and just shove it in his face, I'm so determined now. Fast tomorrow, I'm gonna fast until I physically have no energy to get out of bed, whatever it takes, I'm going to show him what he's missing.

Sorry to totally spring this angry side of me on you guys, I just thought he was different... Thinspo?

Let's do this together my beauties. xoxo

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Meh, Today was okay.

Been drinking a lot of water, and currently watching 'Center Stage' one of my most favourite films and GREAT thinspiration. I really want to just be at my skinniest now, its getting out of hand lol, i just can't wait, is that being a bit spoilt? like expecting it to just come to me?

So I'm seeing this boy, his name is... well let's call him D. well just wanted to say that his ex girlfriend is absolutely stunning and I don't really live up to it so I'm hoping my body is hotter, I am taller, and i think that helps, whether or not i look good in a bikini or something is doubtful so, i need to get skinny, pronto! Help me please! I want to look as good in a baggy jumper as Hanne Gaby Odiele does below... we all know it's that baggy because she's so tiny. JEALOUS MUCH?

By the way, when was the last time I had dinner? Brilliant.
Stay strong beauties, We're doing it. xoxo

Wednesday, 7 April 2010


New Kurt Geiger Heels!!!!!
I'm a lover a really high heels, like really high, so when i got these i died! Totally kill after about 4 hours but it's all worth it.

I think i'm used to it now, mainly because what i'm about to tell you might make you think i'm already where i want to be but in reality i'm nowhere near... so i model sometimes, not majorly like edita vilkeviciute or lily donaldson or someone but the occasional thing here and there sometimes. I actually had an american apparel casting 2 weeks ago, haven't heard back yet so probably didn't get it ha! My most proudest moment was when i walked london fashion week, i don't want to be big headed right now or anything i just really want to tell you! But yeah, So that's why i'm used to high heels. Ha that was a long explanation.

I'm more of a dancer anyway.

Stay strong my beauties. xoxo

Edita Vilkeviciute

I've neglected this blog for so long! I'm soooo sorry, I've been so so busy and still am! I'm still on my quest to be major skinny, and just to keep myself and you guys going I thought I'd do a post on my favourite model... Edita Vilkeviciute.
Words can't explain how much I love this woman, and her photos and whenever I watch her on FTv on the runway I just want to be her.
I'm thinking of doing a different model every other day, next is Freja Beha... I could talk about her all day long to. You'll probably see the likes of: Abbey Lee Kershaw, Hanne Gabi Odiele, Karlie Kloss, Natasha Poly etc down the line. I'm quite excited to share my photos with you :D

Going on to me, I've had a rough few weeks, up and down but still with a goal in mind, easter didn't bring me too much chocolate and fatty food thank god! And i've got a few compliments lately... "you're so skinny!" and "i want your figure!" SUCCESS. But i'm not stopping now, hell no! This is just the beginning...